Breaking point
by Lacra13
Summary: A story exposing the emotions a person goes through after losing someone they love wich will be the case of Elena Gilbert after losing Damon Salvatore. Enjoy and review!


**A/n**_: __Ok, so this will be a very dark, OOC Elena fic that would go from Damon's death. She'll pass through some emotions. I know it's long, but hopefully it will be worth it. The thing is rated M for language and darkness, be warned! _

_This is a work between __**bibi 13ca**__ and __**lacra13**__ we both really hope you will enjoy!_

_A big, big 'thank you' to __**Zoraya Windwalker**__ for beta-reading this huge piece!_

**Denial**

His head is going from right to left in your lap in agony. His cries of pain are breaking your heart; you want nothing more than to be able to take it away…but you can't and it's killing you.

You never thought that losing Damon will hurt you this much (probably because you saw him as invincible; probably because you never even thought about a scenario where he won't come out as the winner) the thought of losing him forever is tearing you apart inside. You don't even know when your feelings for him turned around so much; all that matters is, that it hurts like hell.

"Elena…"

The way he says your name…it sounds like the saddest song you've ever heard. You feel tears burning in your eyes, but you fight them off, you need to. You need to be strong for him, just like he had been for you.

"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness…but I need it…" his voice brakes and he growls in pain. You don't really know what to do, so you're grabbing his hand and tell him he'll be ok. You're lying; you know that, he knows that…you both pretend you _don't_.

"I can't…die knowing that you hate me."

_Hate_? What the _hell_ is he talking about? He thinks you hate him…. you don't hate him, never did. You tried, you just _can't_.

"Damon, I don't _hate_ you. I didn't like what you did and it bothers me that you never let me make my own choices. I think what you did when you forced me to drink your blood was wrong, but I _don't_ hate you for it. As weird as it sounds…I understand you, I always did."

"Because we have something…" he starts.

"An understanding…" you finish and a single tear falls from your eyes. You can't stop it, it slides down your cheek, to your chin; it stops for a moment (you wonder if it waits for you to wipe it away) it doesn't wait long though as it disappears down your neck inside your cleavage.

He can't die…he just _can't_. He has to be there, always a step behind you, annoying you, driving you crazy, making you laugh; making you want to hit him and then kiss him better, making you want to kill him and then bring him back to life.

His eyes find yours and the pureness in them take your breath away. They never looked more beautiful and their blue color never looked more intense. If someone would've told you this kind of beauty exists, you wouldn't have believed them; but the proof is right in front of you.

"Elena…I…I need to tell you this…" you don't say anything; you let him have his moment. "I love you Elena…so much that it hurts, but it keeps me going at the same time, because the pain of loving you and knowing I can never have you, makes me feel alive" his voice clear, fooling you for a split second that he's all better and you won't lose him. But then he bites his lip and you can see the pain right there on his face. "I want you to be happy. Whether it will be with my baby brother or with a mortal not even half as sexy as me…"

The fact that he's still joking in a time like this makes you want to cry like a baby instead of laughing; it just reminds you of how _special_ he is.

"Damon, don't…don't talk like that. They will find a cure" 'they _have_ to' you tell yourself. You can't lose him; not _him, _not now,not_ ever_.

"Not this time, Elena…" he mumbles and you shake your head in denial, "Look, I'm sorry I didn't…do a better job of protecting you. I'm sorry that you lost the people you love…" he coughs and without a word you wrap away the blood that trickles from the side of his mouth.

"It wasn't your fault" you interrupt him.

"Promise me you'll go…you have…have to go…" he could barely talk and you're praying this is not the end; you're praying it will pass and he'll get better again.

"Where do I have to go?" you ask.

"Italy, you have to...go see it. It's so…so…beautiful, the Mediterranean… you will love it, I'm sure."

"I promise we can go when you get better."

"Stefan will take you." He sounds so sure, nearly peaceful in the knowing that he won't be around to show you himself.

"I want _you_ to take me," you shout at him.

"Elena…"

A painful silence sets in the room. You close your eyes and remember his smile. The image makes you smile too. When you open your eyes again he's staring at you.

"You are so beautiful…your smile…your smile is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. You need to keep smiling!"

"Damon…" you murmur his name and stretch your hand to brush a strand of hair off his face. Your hand is resting about two seconds longer than it should on his forehead.

"You're hot." You say it almost unbelieving… he wasn't _supposed_ to feel hot to the touch!

"I know," he says and winks at you (a slow-motion wink, but still a wink). You look at him and realize he's flirting. Count on Damon Salvatore to flirt even when he's dying….

"No, Damon, you're burning up, I think you have a fever. Let me get you a cold towel." you say, getting up.

"No, please don't go!" he says, holding your hand like his life depended on it (maybe it did, maybe you are the only thing keeping him alive) "Your pretty face is the last thing I want to see before I die, don't take that away from me!"

You let yourself fall back onto the couch and he places his head back in your lap.

"Don't leave me." It nearly sounds like he's begging you to stay… but if you would allow yourself to acknowledge that, you would have to face the truth of this whole situation; and you really don't want to do that.

"Never…" you assure him and you mean it…_God_ how you mean it….

A few minutes later you hear the door open and your heart starts beating faster in anticipation.

"Stefan's here, I'm sure he found the cure and we will make you all better," you say enthusiastically.

Stefan appears in the door way; your eyes lock and his head starts a right to left movement; shortly after, you notice the tears in his eyes too.

"No…no, no, no…this can't…no, no…"

You look down at Damon, his eyes are closed and his lips form an _almost_ smirk on his petrified face; (death _does_ have a sense of humor).

You start to shake him as hard as you can, yelling at him: "Damon, wake up! Please, wake up; you can't do this to me! Do you hear me? I know you hear me, open your eyes and look at me!"

You don't know how you got there, but you are now on your knees beside the couch. Your hands are placed on his shoulders and you keep shaking him, but it doesn't seem to be working. He just stays there…doing nothing…he looks like he's asleep…you pretend he is (It's easier this way – it's also too hard to believe that he would just die, without a bang. Just slipping away).

Stefan approaches you; you only notice him when he bends over to pick Damon up.

"Stefan, what on earth are you doing?" you ask.

"Well, I will burn the body…burying it just doesn't seem right. I don't want to make a fuss about it, he wouldn't have wanted that" he explains.

What the hell is he talking about?

His hands go under Damon's body and he tries to lift him up, but you stop him.

"No, let go!" you yell, grabbing Damon's hand and pulling it back. "Stefan, what are you…? Let go, let go! He will be ok…"

"Elena, he…he's dead. He won't be waking up," he tells you, but you're too far gone, you don't want to listen to him, you don't want to understand what he's saying. Damon can't be dead, he just _can't_. This is some kind of twisted joke; it _has_ to be.

"He will wake up, just give him some time. He's tired; he has to rest a little."

"Elena, please…" you hear the pain in his voice. It scares you because it makes you think of your own and you don't want to. "…you have to let go!"

"No, no…I can't…he…how can _you_? He's your brother, how can you _do_ that? Just give him some time!"

You're yelling at him and push him with all the force you have left. You just want him away, away from Damon. You don't even notice Bonnie and Caroline rushing inside until they're right there beside you. You want to yell at them, at everyone, but you can't speak. You hear whispers, millions of them and you see…you see dark, just dark. A feeling of relief takes over and you stop fighting it, you let yourself go, you let yourself fall….

**Anger**

You wake up and all you feel is pain. Your head hurts, your throat hurts, your eyes hurt…everything hurts, but that's not the worst part. The worst part is the pain right about where your heart used to be… before it got ripped to pieces while you were forced to watch…the one you're sure will _never_ go away. You wish you would've turned into a damn vampire; at least then you wouldn't have to feel. You don't want to feel…but you do.

You open your eyes halfway and a weak light falls on your face from the window. You pull the covers over your head and curse under your breath.

A few minutes later Stefan enters the room - you know it's him because he keeps on baby-sitting you. You hate it; all you want is to be left alone.

"Get out, Stefan!" you yell.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks, his voice as damn calm and tortured as always.

"Because that's what I feel like doing," you answer; your voice as cold as you feel inside.

"You can't go on this way Elena; you'll destroy your brother, you're all he has left."

"Just like you destroyed yours? You were all he had left, too." you ask and you know you're hurting him, but you don't care. You're angry at him for letting him die.

He doesn't say anything; he comes closer and tries to pull you into his arms. You pull back, get up from the bed and make your way towards the door.

"Elena, please…"

"Damn it, Stefan, just leave me alone. Don't you get it, I want to be alone! I'll be fine if you people would _just leave me the fuck alone_."

"Elena…I know you miss him. You felt something for him…"

"Oh**, **so this is whatit'sall about; you're jealous of your dead brother? For Christ's sake, it's not like it matters, he's dead; he fucking _died_ on me. Be happy, no more competition for you!" you don't think; you just let the words get out of your mouth like they don't even belong to you. You don't mean them…but you want to hurt him, you want to push him away so he'll leave you _alone_ with your pain.

"Elena you don't…"

"Shut up, Stefan, just shut the fuck up! I don't want to listen to you. It's your fault he's dead, you know. You went against him, over and over again, that's why he died; he'd been alone in all that. You never had a good word for him; you've been there just to remind him how much of a monster he is."

You get out of the room, almost running into the living room. You get to Damon's liqueur cabinet and pour yourself a generous helping of _it_…whatever _it_ is. You drink it in one gulp and wait for the alcohol to burn your throat. You smile at the sensation, it reminds you of him.

"You already got to Damon's stock?" Bonnie asks from the doorway.

"He won't mind, he's dead," answer, pouring yourself another glass.

"Elena, please, it hurts me to see you like this!" she begs.

"Then don't look Bonnie! I really don't know why you are here anyway, I don't remember inviting you."

Why are they all here? Why won't they leave you alone; don't they get it? You're broken; you finally reached your breaking point. I mean, how much do they think you could've taken?

The entrance door opens and you turn around just in time to watch Caroline and Tyler walking through it. You look at Tyler, he looks at you and you lose it.

"What are _you_ doing here? What the hell is he _doing_ here?" you ask pointing towards Tyler.

"Elena, I'm sorry…" Tyler starts, but you cut him off. You don't need his apologies, they won't bring him back.

"Get out! You…you killed him, how _dare_ you come in here?" without actually thinking about it, you grab the almost empty glass off the table and throw it in Tyler's direction. In a split second Stefan is right beside you. Damn him, he's always there…always trying to save the day…always the hero. The words are familiar; they remind you of him….

"Elena, calm down!" he tries, but there's no calming down, not at this point.

"Don't you dare…don't you tell me to calm down. It's all his fault…and you, your fault too" you yell pointing towards Caroline, "he told you not to be friends with him, he's a werewolf…there's no _happily ever after_ when it comes to him."

Despite Stefan's best efforts you manage to grab the bottle sitting by the edge of the small table. You watch the object fly across the room and fall right between Tyler's legs. He takes a step back and his eyes find yours. You know he's sorry, you can read it all over his face, but you don't care. It doesn't matter, none of it matters.

"Get out; get this _dog_ out of here! I want him out, now!"

Tyler takes off and Stefan runs after him. Bonnie takes his place holding you, or at least she tries, but you push her away.

"Elena, please, let me be here for you, I'm your friend!"

"Oh, now you want to be here for me; what about when I _begged_ you to find a cure for him? What about then, _friend_? You just let him die…"

"I tried to save him, Elena…"

"Oh please…" you watch her with disgust (you're actually disgusted with yourself, but you don't think about that) "…you're glad he died, you hated him…" you take a few steps back and hit the wall. You let your body slide to the floor slowly.

**Pain **

You feel the cold linoleum under you and you welcome the sensation; it reminds you of him. You feel something tickling your cheeks and instinctively you press your palm against it. They're tears…fucking tears. You haven't been able to cry for days…since…since _he_ died.

Soon you see Stefan, Bonnie and Caroline kneeling beside you. Bonnie is the one that makes the first move, whispering to you that it's ok to cry and is stretching her hand towards you. You launch yourself into her arms and the soft cries become loud, shaky sobs. Your fingers curl around the material of her t-shirt and you hold on to it, like it's the only thing keeping you in touch with reality.

"You'll be ok…shhh, it's ok…" she whispers.

"It hurts Bonnie…I want it to go away…make it go away…" you beg, "…why did he die on me? He wasn't supposed to die on me, not him…"

"What happened to Damon, was no one's fault, Elena …it just happened."

"But it was; it was _my_ fault. He died to protect _me_. It's all because of me. I didn't listen to him, I put my faith in Elijah instead of him and look how it all turned out! I should've listened to him, supported him…I should've…"

"Elena, you don't want to play this game…"

"But; it's my fault. Why did I do that? Why did I decide to trust someone I barely knew over him? I killed him Bonnie…" you'd already buried your face in Bonnie's neck and you can't see the hurt expression on Stefan's face. He bites his lip trying desperately to hold back the tears, the cries of agony on the fact that he just lost his brother and his girlfriend on the same day….

You just stay there, crying, for hours, days, weeks for all you know. You lost track of time a long time ago.

**Emptiness**

You stare into the fire…you've been there for so long you can't feel your legs anymore. You can't sleep; you haven't slept in what seemed like _eternity_…you laugh (a sad laugh) at the word. Well, _eternity_ doesn't seem to last too long around here…not for Damon anyway.

You take another sip of your drink, it doesn't burn your throat anymore; you got used to it.

The flames are dancing in front of your eyes but you can't find it in you to think of it as pretty like you used to…there's just emptiness in them…. There's a big hole in your chest and _he_'s the only one who could fill it, but wait, he _can't_ because he's _dead_. You feel the glass slip from your hand slowly, but you don't care. Shortly after, you hear the breaking sound, letting you know it's now broken at you feet…broken, just like your heart; into a million little pieces. You can glue them together, but it will never be a whole again. The marks…you'll always have the marks.

There's someone in the room with you, it's Stefan; you can hear him talk. You don't understand what he's saying; the sound seems to come from a mile away. You don't care what he's saying… unless he's telling you that everything was just a nightmare, that Jenna and John, (even Jules) are alive…that _he_ is alive, you don't care; it can't be good….

"Elena…Elena, please talk to me! Say something, _anything_!" Stefan asks in a broken voice.

But you say nothing…because you have nothing to say. You feel nothing. You're like an empty box.

You walk (if you can call it walk… it's more like _dragging_ your heavy body) to the liquor cabinet to get another glass; there's none. _'Oh, what the hell,'_ you take the bottle and drink from it. A few drops slide over the edge of your mouth, down your neck, into your cleavage; it reminds you of _him_, every damn thing in this room, in this house, in this city, every damn thing in this fucked up world reminds you of _him_.

**Despair **

You're on the floor again, in the bathroom (it's way too white to be some other room). You seem to be spending a lot of time on the floor lately. You feel nauseous again and you brace the toilet like it's your best friend.

"Again?" you hear Bonnie ask from the bedroom.

"I swear I can't… it's been weeks Bonnie. I don't know what to do anymore. She doesn't even sleep…and when she does, she cries out his name and wakes up thinking he's alive…I have to calm her down and tell her he's _not_…"

They are talking about you…you know that. The dream…the damn dream keeps repeating over and over again. He is there, his perfect blue eyes staring back at you. They're so damn blue … and he smiles, he smiles at you. God he is so fucking beautiful, takes your breath away. And you're happy…for a few seconds, before he falls at your feet and then you yell and your screams wake you up. And there is Stefan trying to calm you down, but he can't.

You're always asking him if...

"_It's ok, Elena, shhh, you're ok. It was just a dream."_

"_Damon…he…Damon, where is he?"_

"_Elena…Damon…"_

And there's the point where you realize what he's saying; the point where you remember. You pull back from his embrace and look for the alcohol, the only thing that keeps you from crying and crying, until you dry out.

You lay against the cold wall and your hands are resting on your bare legs. You draw a line on your flesh using your nail; it hurts, you like that. You feel it…you _feel_. Before you realize what's happening you have blood on your fingers and tears in your eyes. You're crying from the pain…you're glad because you're finally crying and it's not because of _him_.

You don't get to enjoy the pain, seconds later Stefan's right beside you, grabbing your hands.

"Elena…what are you _doing_?" he asks.

"It hurts…"

"Of course it hurts you scratched yourself to the point where I can see the meat on your legs. Why, Elena, tell me why?"

"Because it hurts…"

He looks at you like you're crazy…maybe you are…you don't even care. He pulls you up and carries you into the bedroom. You pass besides the night-stand and you stretch your hand to grab the glass, but he stops you.

"No, no. That's it, I had enough. You have to pull yourself together! I can't stand by and watch you destroy yourself anymore."

"Well then go away!" you say.

"Do you think he would've wanted this for you?"

"Well he can't tell me now can he? Because he's dead…"

"I know that, Elena, I miss him too. He was my brother and despite everything, I loved him."

"I know you did…"

"He loved you, you know."

"I do."

"He gave his life to save yours. He died so you'll be able to live your life…and now you're destroying it which means he died for nothing."

"I…I'm sorry…" you say in a weak whisper.

**Acceptance**

You're on the ground and your head's resting against the cold grave-stone. You're sitting beside the grave of the man that gave up eternity for you. You'll never see him again, hear him again or look into his beautiful blue eyes again…you know that, you came to terms with that.

"I'm better now…hope you're proud…" you mumble, even dead he gives you butterflies in your belly. "I miss you…" you say and you feel as the now so familiar tears make their appearance. "I still can't believe you're gone forever…" you let out a deep breath. "I know that wherever you are, you're looking after me, you always do that." you blow your nose into the small paper-tissue in your hand. "I want you to know that no one can replace you. There will always be an empty space in my heart right where you belong."

You hear a noise and you look up. There's a huge, black crow sitting on the edge of the grave-stone, looking down at you. You smile, it reminds you of him.

"You again; you miss him too don't you?" you ask and the bird nods like it understands you. "Well, you're welcome to keep me company anytime!" you're here every day and the bird knows that better than anyone else.

"Well, I'll go. Give you some time with him." you touch the stone like you're caressing his face. "I'll be gone for two weeks. I'll come and visit you as soon as I get back, I promise!" you tell him.

You turn around and walk out of the grave-yard.

You get into _your_ 69 blue Chevrolet Camaro SS - you love this car, it reminds you of him- and drive straight to the airport.

"All passengers for the flight 2/21, terminal 14, to Rome are requested on board!"

You hear the message and you stand up. You grab your bag and make your way towards the terminal that's printed on your ticket, terminal 14 that is. It's time you do what you promised; go see Rome.

You take your seat and immediately the stranger beside you catches your attention. Dark messy hair, leather jacket, grey jeans…you look at him and his silver-blue eyes hypnotize you.

"I…I'm sorry…" you mumble, "…you remind me of someone…"

"Yeah, I get that a lot." He says and smirks at you. It makes your heart stop…he looks _just_ like him.

"Hmm, my name is Elena."

"Hi, Elena, nice to meet you; I'm Damon…"

**N**_: So this took like forever to write and I hope it was worth the work. The only way you guys can let us know it was, is to review, so please do that! _


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